Without even considering if there are men on base

One of my favorite writers is Dave Barry, whose work includes years of articles written for the Miami Herald, a bunch of humor books, and now several novels (including a terrific Peter Pan series for kids).

I love tone, which is somehow both conversational and proper. And I and the way he can surprise me at the end of sentences; you can’t see the joke coming. I wish I could do this.

Here are a few favorite quotes:

“Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.”

“Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day, even if they have plenty of food and water.”

“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.”

“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles.”

“You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, ‘My gosh, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

“We should enact an ‘e’ tax. Government agents would roam the country looking for stores whose names contained any word that ended in an unnecessary ‘e,’ such as shoppe or olde, and the owners of these stores would be taxed at a flat rate of $50,000 per year per ‘e.’ We should also consider an additional $50,000 ‘ye’ tax, so that the owner of a store called Ye Olde Shoppe would have to fork over $150,000 a year. In extreme cases, such as Ye Olde Barne Shoppe, the owner would simply be taken outside and shot.”

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”

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One response

  1. Dave Barry is one funny dude! I’ve got several of his books and they don’t disappoint. Based on your blog try finding some of Max Schulman’s stuff like Rally Round the Flag Boys, The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, or Please don’t eat the daisies. I think you’ll love them. Woof Woof!
    Sandy
    http://www.sandysays1.wordpress.com

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